This past Sunday/Monday was Mother’s Day and Birth Mother’s Day, and both passed unremarkably. I’ve written about my conflicted feelings about Mother’s Day before (see this post if you’re curious), but suffice to say that it’s just a day I’m aware of, every moment, all day. In a time where it’s been over a year and a half since I’ve seen my child, Mother’s Day hit differently this year. If I’d known the last time I saw her that it would be my last chance in a long time, what would I have done about it? I don’t know. But I think about it.
I found myself thinking about my ultrasound. My first and only, back when I first discovered I was pregnant. I spent Mother’s Day thinking about how badly I wish I’d gotten a picture of the ultrasound printed, for me to keep. I never thought to ask. I was so overwhelmed, in such a fog, and I had no idea it would be the only ultrasound experience I’d get with my daughter. I wish they’d given me one. I wish they’d thought to ask if I wanted one. Because lately, for some reason, it really breaks my heart that I don’t have one, and the opportunity for one is long past. I don’t even have pictures of myself pregnant. Not one.
By the time I went for my ultrasound, they estimated that I was at 38 weeks. L was so curled up in there that they couldn’t even tell me if she was a girl or boy. I went to work the next day (Friday), went into labor that evening, and gave birth early Saturday morning. So my first ultrasound ended up being my last, and I never got the chance to have a photo of what she looked like while I was carrying her.
Everything went so fast that I never thought to document it. And I don’t know why that, particularly, is what I’ve been thinking about lately, but Mother’s Day brought it to mind and I haven’t quite been able to shake the thought. Maybe because, like seeing L in person, I didn’t know the last time would be the last time.
Seeing L in person wasn’t the last time forever, of course, just until everyone can be vaccinated and safe about it. I just miss seeing my daughter so much.
A Flower That Lives On A Star 