Some people argue that adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their biological families — or not — on their own timetable. The parents (bio and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn’t make such an important and personal decision for them by engaging in fully open adoption. What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?
I actually completely understand this point of view; at first, it’s the one I had. I’d say it’s a valid argument, and one that I considered fully before I established contact. I was actually really worried that I was overstepping. I didn’t think I should force a relationship with my daughter if she didn’t want one. I thought I should wait for her to get older and make that choice for herself. So I definitely don’t disagree with anyone for taking that approach; for a long time, I thought it wasn’t my place to make that decision for my daughter.
But ultimately I made a slightly different determination: it was our place (mine and her adoptive parents’ choice, collaboratively) to decide what was best for L, at least for now. She is too young right now to understand or decide this for herself, and ultimately her parents and I agreed that being in touch, having access to each other, being available to answer any questions she has as she ages, would be best for her. She’s a very inquisitive child, so this way she isn’t wondering, or missing out on information that she could have access to. That’s part of being a parent: deciding what is best for your children when they won’t or can’t decide for themselves. So I’m not inserting myself into her life or insisting that she spend time with me; I’m simply making sure she knows who I am and that I’m available to her.
If birth mothers think it’s best that they step away, I understand their position. I know birth mothers who have. If they think it’s best that they be totally involved in everything, I respect that too. Most of us fall somewhere in between. You find what works best, you adapt over time, and you make the best decisions you can with the information that you have.
I will say that if L gets older and wants to change our relationship, for any reason, I will respect that. I will never force her to have a relationship with me — I will simply be here for her, whenever she wants me, and patiently wait if she doesn’t. I will always be in touch with her parents, regardless, because I think we all believe it is healthier for L that we maintain that relationship. But if L wants me to give her space, I will, and if she wants to hang out once a week, I’m here for that too. That felt more comfortable to all of us.
If you have any questions you’d like me to answer, please don’t be shy about sending them! Private messages or comments are both welcome, and I’m happy to lend my perspective. Thanks!
A Flower That Lives On A Star 
I put a baby up for adoption when I was 18. She will be 23 in July. Our adoption story is VERY open. Some people have (ignorantly) chastised and/or warned me against it. I know it was out of care for me. I think you are right; it is different for every person. Not any two adoptions are the same. I am a Christian- and was at the time as well. I knew that I couldn’t destroy this child. But, hard nonetheless. I had such a strong and powerful connection with the adoptive parents that it I knew it (the adoption into this family) had to be ordained by God Himself. There have been few instances that things were “uncomfortable” between myself and her parents. They all (parents and all their kids) came to my wedding. We chat about her health (my family history) and recently even had a weekend together with her, her Mom and I in a town halfway between us. We live in different states. When I talk about our relationship, I find that people think it is “strange”, that it’s not possible that we can have this type of relationship and it not be awkward or painful/traumatic all the time. I think that trust was built in the beginning and we have bonded over the years (her Mom and I more so). She is getting married this Fall and I am so happy for her. I used to cry myself to sleep after I said goodbye. I knew it is what was best for her and that this is what God wanted for her (and I), but it was excruciating at first. Now, I see what an amazing young woman she is and I just love looking back at all these years and know for certain that it was all right and true and wonderful. God has used this experience to help other young women (and their parents) in crisis as well. I wish all birth and adoptive parents could all experience this, but emotions, fears, and insecurities can get in the way- my daughters Mom has expressed that she had felt such fear that I was going to try and take her back that she had questioned at first whether it had been a good idea to have an open adoption, but after a lot of prayer and communicating with me, she was reassured. As a Christian, I know that God has the power to restore what was once fear and sadness and sin. He forgives and then restores. I’m so grateful! I like reading your story. I hope you keep writing. I am a terrible writer, otherwise I would write a blog too. It’s such a good thing to get out there and talk about and remove the stigma that plagues adoption. It truly is a beautiful, selfless act of love. Jo
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Thank you so much for sharing your story! I absolutely agree that it can be uncomfortable in moments, but I wouldn’t change it either. I know plenty of birth moms who choose not to be involved, as they find it too painful, and that’s a valid choice too. Everyone has to make their own choices in an incredibly complex and emotional situation, and we all do the best we can ❤ I'm glad you're enjoying the blog, please do feel free to add your thoughts whenever you like! I always love hearing from birth and adopted parents.
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